“You’re so fat!” my mind yells,
As I look at the reflection staring right back at me when I look at the mirror.
“You’re nowhere as slim as they are,” my minds taunts me,
As my eyes wander off to the beautiful girls around me.
“Stop eating!” My mind warns me,
As I bring another spoon of my favourite dish closer to my mouth.
Something I once loved doing
Has now resulted in it becoming
Something that I hate.
I’m probably the only one who pays attention to the nitty gritty details of my body.
I don’t want this to happen.
My mind tells me everything opposite of what it does now.
I hope that one day,
I’ll be satisfied with who and what I am.
“Let out your feelings!”
“You’ll feel better!”
Now that I’ve finally done that,
I don’t know if I actually do feel better.
Sure, I feel a little more open to you,
A little more relieved to let it all out.
But, pouring out my heart to you
Makes me relive all those moments again,
The moments I’ve been running away from.
I feel vulnerable.
I feel scared.
But, now that you know me better,
I hope I’ll have you by my side
To catch me when I run from myself again and again.
You are a changed person.
Last time I checked, you weren’t like this.
I don’t know what that place did to you.
I’m afraid of going there.
You know what makes me sad?
The fact that behind all that positiveness that you display, there’s hurt and sadness.
I really really want to help you,
But I don’t know how.
I love you and
I really hope you find your happy place soon ❤
We’ve lost the conversations,
We used to have with each other.
We’ve lost the love,
We had for each other.
The mutual respect is lost.
It’s so hard to even exchange a word.
Gone are those days where we would Look forward to spending time together.
Everything has changed,
And I wonder what caused it
Because everything was perfect when we were together.
We were inseperable.
You found them.
You included them in ‘us’.
You did everything, with them, like them.
I was the second option.
I was no longer part of ‘us’.
You guys were inseperable.
You do all these things for me,
That I love,
Making me think that
You actually understand me.
And so much is said,
Which makes me realise that
You know nothing about me.
Yes, you know my exterior self,
But do you know how I actually am?
What and how I feel?
You assume too many things,
And jump to conclusions
That are all false.
You feel that you’ve got me all figured out
By how I am around you.
Which, by the way,
Is completely wrong.
Maybe, for once,
Try to think of things from my point of view
To, perhaps, understand me better.
Because if not,
You don’t have any right to say anything about me.
You look forward coming to
After a hectic day.
Where you feel free to do
Whatever you want to.
This venue starts feeling like home,
And there’s no other place you’d rather be at.
You start delaying your arrival.
What felt like home,
Only feels like a shelter,
A place to sleep, eat and do work in.
Why did this change take place?
Is it the people?
Is it you?
Or, is it just… Life?
As you cried over her for the last time,
And told me about how
I couldn’t help but think of how you would feel if I told you about my real feelings towards our relationship.
Would you feel the same way?
Kept stopping myself because I could not bring myself to hurt you any further than you already are.
But, keeping you in the dark is hurting me too.
I don’t like how this relationship of ours is going, at least on my part. I wish it was easier to let you know how I truly feel about this whole thing.
You came into my life, and
Ordered me to do things
I would never do at that time.
You kept telling me
That you meant no harm
And that trusting you would never be a mistake.
But, I could never stop the voices,
That kept telling me otherwise.
I followed your instructions,
Walking the path you lead.
After spending so much of my time with you,
The day came.
It was time for you to go.
I would be lying if I said
I didn’t miss you when you left.
Sure, I was sad.
But now, few years after your departure,
That I’m probably more sensible than I was,
I realised how wrong you were,
How trusting you was a mistake,
How the voices that spoke to me then were right.
I realised how walking the path you lead was one of the worst decisions of my life.
I know you hate staying here.
I know you hate talking to us.
I know you don’t like it here.
I know you’re forcing your conversations.
I know we are your last choice.
I know you have a problem with everything related to us.
I don’t know why you still come.
I don’t know why you still talk to us.
I don’t know you don’t like us.
I don’t know why there’s a problem with anything related to us.
I don’t know if what I know is the truth.